I surpose you think I’m a funny old Dutch, don’t you. But after all said and done, I’m the young age of 94 years and never had no Wrinkles till I come to live with my only Son, young Syd and his new wife and her boy. Three year ago – no I’m telling fibs – two and a half year ago. Would to God I had kep in my own home. You may think I’m a silly old Chump, it’s better to be ruddy independent, but me old Ticker’s none too great. Not after having nineteen Op’s and all the Worry.
At first everything was Roses. I use to do the Washing-up & ironing to help. Cheril, that’s my daughter-in-law, use to go out to work as a cleaner. We use to have some lovely Picnic drives around the New Forest and see all the little animals and ponies. We also use to go to a small Country Pub for a drink, and the Boys played darts. Also I always paid my share of the expensives, also petrol, bar twice when I was told they did not want it.
When all of a sudden everything changed. No matter what I did, they kep picking me up finding excuse for a bust-up. The house belong to Cheryll & her boy Den, a right Sap and Bully who drives a lorry down at Southampton docks. They turned funny, saying I ought to help with repayments as they say I have brough them in debt of 10 thousand pound. I am a Pensioner and I have given nearly all my saving 1050 pound to help Expences and have nothing left after paying for my keep.
Now I am in my Room, Syd pops his head round the door to say hello when He comes home, and bring me a cup of tea. That is all. It does hurt so much. He never calls me Mum or anything no more and they never let me sit with them, not even in the garden when Theyr their enjoying the Pertunias and Marry Golds. I still feel very queer at times, but cant do any thing about it, but I did think Syd would correct all this swearing. He retires from the Undertakers next month so youd think he’d be a bit chirpier. He gets very Jumpy & Shirty if I ask him any thing. He’s not the same to me, not my real Son, but Hes all Ive got now.
When I speak to my Boy if she is upstairs she comes half way down and lisene then come in and say what are you rowing with Syd again. I do not row with Syd, but because I am def they talk very quiet I cannot join in their conforsation. When they ask me anything and I don’t here them, they take the mickey, if I say Parden. I know I’m a funny old stick & a bit of a spruster, but I am polite and have manners, I told them.
Even my letters are Watched like I am. Sherille wants to know What is in the letters etc, but I told them my letters are Private. Every day she use to kick up a stink and make me feel desparate. It got on my Wick making my life a dreadful misery and last Christmas or rather a week befor, I was sitting Crochering admitting I am very quiet, and all of a sudden this Bully said, have you made arrangements for Christmas. I said no, I have no where to go, then He started to swear and called me a proper Rat bag & deadful Names. He said you are F. well not stopping here. I shall kick you out in the gutter. My giddy aunt, I was so hurt I nearly passed out. He said Syd should have kicked me out long ago. I felt broken up inside, as I don’t quarrell with no body.
Now they tell me they will never do no thing for me, unless I pay them through the nose. I have been ordered to stay in my room and not have the Company of them in the Lounge, not even to see Telly, although I fork out 2 pound for the Electric & 45 P for Christmas Club & 25 for Luxuries. I don’t sponge on no body. I get very lonely, but I have a very dear Friend in our dear Lord, who help me and keep me from harm. He is alway with me. Befor my worst Op they thought theyd lose me but when I was under the Anasthetick I felt his hand pass over my whole body so I knew I’d pull through.
One day I fell down 4 Stairs, owing to having one gammy leg, unfortulatey I must have knock the cocklate Cabinet and broke 3 wine glasses, which were surposed to be 100 years. I said I was very sorry accidents do happen but I was not allowed to forget it, not weather I hurt myself or not, but I keep being reminded of this. I offered to pay for new ones, but it is very hard to take when no one speaks to you, and having 3 people talk like Barneys bull.
The latest is there is one of those cheap carpets in my room and the sweeper takes the pile off, if you can call it that. It was marked by a small hole when I went there, so they keep pestering me about it. I must admit it does look bad because it is wearing all over, so Madam has demanded 100 pound towards a new one, at 5 pound a week. Even I am not allowed to sit in any other Chairs, only one with the spring. As this is moved, I cannot sit in any other Chairs. To me it is very Crewd and unkind because I am not use to this kind of thing.
I spar about doing me Crocher, and making lots of Dolls Clothes for the little cripple Children, which thrill me to bits because they write to me. It is so easy to be kind, instead of this unhappinece, and if one can make one little kiddie happy out of 10 it is a wonderful acheivement. Any rate I can’t sit and do nothing.
But when the Light get bad I sit in my room and look out of the Window. I can watch the Children at play in their Gardens and also the Neighbours hanging out their washing and talking together acrossed the garden. One chap is making garden Tables & Chairs. Also they have a portable swimming pool and they lay in the water and also paddle after they play ball and have a barbarque and a drink evening with lots of loud laughter and jokes. I hear all this when I go to Bed about 8.30 and feel like a Nauty Child.
Opposite of our house over the railway line, there are Apple trees. I watch the Birds go to Bed, also the Silver Birches forming figures. Ther seems an old Lady in a bath chair with a stick in her hand, and she is almost falling down a deep hollow, and the trees form a lot of men driving her along, and a little Boy is trying to get hold of the back of the chair to keep her safe but the lot of fellows keeping holding him Back. Als I can see a man on horse back and another one resting with his dog.
We have two little dogs pettigree Dutch hounds or as people call them sausage dogs they are two little Brothers they are very sweet, but thy are taken away as soon as I go near. That is being stupid and childish. There again it is because they say I’m tight-fisted about the dog food. When the little chaps see me they jump all over when I go to the Bathroom, they get very excited. I have to laugh when they do a Giny riddle on the carpet. I give them little pieces of biscuits when no one is looking. Wen Syd & Cherral & that wipper snapper go upstairs they take the little dogs with them, even into their beds every night and always in their arms. I don’t think it realy healthy but I must admit, they do realy love the little Chaps.
This may sound terrible to you, but when I go to have a bath, everything is taken away, the soap, flanells, towells, even the Toilet Roll in case I contanimate them. I keep my own Toilet Roll pugged up in my Wardrobe. There is no heat, that is turned off, and the Window wide open. Sometimes it is perishin’ and blowy. One day I told Doiflake I had shut the window she went and opened it. Well, I’m jiggered. When I went in I shut it up. When I came out I copt a packet. She’s a funny cuss, shed been out the front to see if I had shut it. She pushed me all a round. I told her they all have the heat on and the Windows close. Why is it different for me. I think their must be something terrible with their lives, they have real love in their hearts, but I don’t see it not to me, but I am still polite to them although they do not answer. Theres ignorance for you.
I have never seen a Mother & Son so very possessive with each other. They follow each other about, wherever He goes She has to go, it does not seem natural to me. This Bully Den hes a nasty piece of werk hes a tyke of 36 and ought to know better, I love to see a Son realy love his Mum, but this is unkenny. What ever she sees in a shop she likes it Funny Face goes in and gets it for her. When she told me that is how we love each other, I said I have never had that pleasure. What I want I pay for. Even when he goes to the Toilet she waits outside and has a chat. She even has to take all the caserole Lamb off the Bones for him.
Another time I had been nag at all the morning. I had it so long I was feeling very low. I came down to get a cup of tea, then it started all over again. By this time I was nearly out of my mind. I just had to do a bunk. I got dressed to go to the Police to try and get help and she was expecting Friends for Lunch. When she saw me she swange me arrond, pinched my arm, and told me to get back upstairs and stay there. Did I want the neighbours to talk about them. Did I want her friends to see her upset. How I managed to get to my room I don’t know. I cried for 2 days & 1 night, then Syd came home. He went for me, and told me if I didn’t know how to behave myself, He would take steps to get me out. He told me my People don’t want me. Mate, I says, at least were not snobery. It was realy terrible and I still cannot answer that question why my only Son has ratted on me.
This weather they have their meals in the garden, under an Umbrela, and I am in the dining room trying to eat alone. This is the only thing I wish from the bottom of my heart I had a Witness to all this terrible bussiness. I often wonder if people beleive me but I can realy truthfully say befor my God I have given no course for this and I would not say very sincerely if I was not near my time to meet my Maker.
Even the hair dresser has been stoped. So I ask Sherrill kindly if I washed my hair would she put some rollers in for me. She said I told you I would do nothing for you. All of a sudden she would do it if I payed her the same price I pay the hair dresser.
After having a serious operation I have a great job to hold my Water, so I have to use a Chamber at times when they use the Bathroom. Sometimes the Bully stops in the Bathroom for 11/2 hours, goes to sleep, so if I wait it makes me feel realy ill.
But she pokes round my Bedroom to find the jerry and tells me that she will break the bloody thing. I said you will not and I put it in the Ward Robe or on top, cover it over until I can attend to it. As it is only Water there should not be any complaints but she even surches my room, even watches the water in the toilet. It is very disgusting and childish but they told me theyd get me a plastick Bucket that will stink. Just between you, me and the gate post I use to see me auntie at night about 8 times. That disturb them, so she says I can use the chamber at night but she will emptie it. That cost me 1 pound per week. I want to do these things for myself as I am not helpless, and I like to be clean, and they tell me to wash my hands, even if I have been doing needlework or reading a book. I alway wash my hands for my own sake, but they don’t, and are always nursing the dogs.
Now under known to me they have been trying to get me into a home as they have got tired of me. I don’t know what was told the Dr. but He come in to see me which was a surprise. I said I did not send for you. Then He told me that Syd & her went to see him. I said what for. He said to get you in a home & how kind but I wont go. He sprung it on me Whos the Prime Minister. Thatcher, I says. Mrs Thatcher, he says. Whats the month. May. Whats the date. 22nd. Only a day out. I said I aint such a daft aporth, my brain is O.K, Ive still got all my fackeltys, then he said what if you were ill. I told him straight I would look after meself like I have alway done, I’m still a housewife, and can perhaps do more than a young person can. He then called me a dear old Lady. I said no I am not I am treated like a cabbage.
Well He went and had a chat with her and when He had gone, she came up to me and called me a bloody wicked woman Liar mean and selfish. I said I can go out of this house knowing I have caused no trouble with any one. As for being mean, they want to think, I have a very dear Friend who gives me Love and Comfort, and strength that is the dear Lord above. I have great faith and trust in him.
Pop would of had a fit if He knew how they carry on at me. Quite candidly, I miss Him something terrible. Hes been gone thirty years now. He passed away Bless him not knowing He had cancer in both lungs. Liked a spit an a drag, did Pop unfortulately. He were in St Heliers and I was worried sick. It was 2 oclock in the morning round home when all of a sudden I heard this terrible bang. Aw gawd what the dickens is that. I got up, walk all round the house, but saw nothing, but at 7 oclock the Police come and told me to go to the Hospital as my Husband had a collap at 2 oclock. He was in an Occijen mask but somehow he court hold of my hand. Me and young Syd stay with him for 1 hour, befor He passed away. He alway treated me right and decent, only some times did He make me thundering wild braking wind & spitting in the great. When He proposed, He got down on his hands & knees, I give it to him straight I wouldn’t put up with no hanky panky. But I give him his due, he was the dearest person could have for a Husband.
By the way Lizzy Furnackapan told the Dr that all the Neighbours do not like me and wont speak, for if they want any thing they expect me to give it to them. They are alway borrowing, even my Crocher hooks and stamp, but they do not pay for them, so I put a stop to it. I realy do get cheesed off when people can get them for themselves, so I am very mean, and a Wicked Woman.
Another outburst was they had been out Strawberry & Rasbery picking for Jam making and she kicked up a rumpas and told me they had paid 30 pound for it, but I was to mean to give her quite a bit towards it. I do not eat much jam, in future I shall not touch it, they do not tell me when they are going to get soft Fruit, there’s not much I don’t help them with. Even sweets are eaten in front of me, not that I mind but they say I don’t buy any, but perhap I am at fault in this, as I cannot get out to the shop.
I put all my coppers in the dogs box, to help with the Food but it was given to the Bully and He banged on my door, through the mony at me and shouted He don’t want the bloody dirty mony for the dogs and I am not to stroke them because I am a Wicked old Woman. I have made their home merry hell his Mum is not the same and she is an Angel and I am not there to be waited on, Lord luvaduck, didn’t He half raise Caine but hes not worth a tinkers cuss.
One conforsation was I brought some new Slips & Knickers – unfortulatey when I ironed them I used a rather warm iron and I burnt a small hole in them. I neatly patched them when washed they were put on the line and I got ticked off putting rags on the line, for the Neighbours to see, what do they think, they live here and they are not going to be talked about, buy yourself some clothes, people will say that poor, old Women has to put up with old things. By jingoes I do the paying not them and I am not going to throw New Things away for the sake of repairing them and let people think they are so kind to me.
Last year young Ernie, my Brother was in his house alone when there was a knock at the door. When it was answer a Fellow ask for a drink of water then He jumped on Ern and beat him up something wicked, although my Brother has to walk with two sticks, being a Cripple. He put up a good fight but He was knocked on the head and made unconscience with blood streaming. His Milkman came in and found him. The Police were called, they found the Rotten Blighter had walked off with 37 pound. Young Ern had to stay in hospital for 3 weeks recovering from Shock & Induries. He has only myself left of the family, so I pray to God to help him. The sad part is my Brother had to get out of his house, as it is begining demolished. And he’s 87 to, poor devil.
Well bringing back to Christmas I was called Bloody Bleeding pain in the neck also I will be Kicked out in the Gutter they do not want me here As I am a Bloody Bad Mother, Mean, Dirty and all self and if He was my son He would of F. Kicked me out. Well that night I swalowed 15 Painkillers, but collap on the Floor instead of passing out in Bed. I was flaked out for two days, then there was another set-to with Thingumabob.
Also the Bully was surpose to be ill. As I was coming down the Stairs He told me I was a F. hipocrit, as I could run up the stairs if no one was about, but when people are here I crawl. Fiddlesticks, I wish I could run, that would show him. But any rate it was the Elections and He get up to Vote. They are both Comonists and they only have thoughts for those people. Every time people come to the door to collect for different things they expect me to put a pound in each time. I alway give 45p. People better off don’t even give that.
As I am going into that Nursing while they go on holiday I am ask if I have got decent Clothes, not to wear mended or patched garments. I think it dreadful to be ask these things. I am to particular to go out in rags, in fact it is downrite rude of her. They are afraid they will be talked about. I have never gone out unless I am properly dressed.
You will have to have a needle & thread it’s a terrible thing to get bottled up then all of a sudden it comes rushing out like water from a tap. Excuse spelling, my Brain Box keep going wonkey. I don’t like it though, because I can spell but all this trouble has knocked me for 6. What a thing it is to get old.
Michael Small
1984
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